Brian Conn

Martian Birthday Calculator

Birthdays have always bothered me. People are in the habit of celebrating the day on which a certain planet — Earth, the planet we happen to live on — comes back to the same position around the sun as it was in when they were born. But what is Earth? The future is now: why not celebrate instead the days on which other planets come back into the positions they were in when we were born? The Martian Birthday Calculator is intended to facilitate the timing of such celebrations.

Simply enter the date of your birth and choose a planet that appeals to you. The MBC will return your age in the years of that planet (that is, the number of complete revolutions around the sun the planet has made since your birth), and a list of your recent and upcoming birthdays according to the orbit of that planet (that is, dates on which the planet’s relation to the sun is the same as it was on the day of your birth). The calculator uses sidereal orbital periods cribbed from NASA. Note that if you are looking forward to your first Neptunian or Plutonian birthday, you’ll need to start taking care of yourself and eating right: the respective orbital periods of these planets are about 165 and 248 Earth years. I’ve included them out of optimism. If you’re hoping for your Uranian birthday, you have a decent chance: the orbital period of Uranus is just over 84 Earth years.